#the way i express myself is so easily influenced by the ppl i interact it so let's say....

[mochinon-yah]

Hi Mochi!!! I hope you're doing well when you see this >:D You said it was alright to bother you with ask games, so here I am!! /Aff

Music chain! list 5 songs that give off this vibe: dancing with your favorite character

send this to the last 5 people who were active in ur notes (+ anyone you want) with a vibe of your choice (as vague or specific as you want)

SHIROO!!!! ♡

Hello <333 fortunately, i am doing a-okay when i saw this ask! I hope you're doing as well too :D !

(THIS IS THE RIGHT CHOICE GUYS, IF I SAID U CAN BOTHER ME I MEAN LIKE U CAN JUST GO DO THIS- /SMACKED /gen tho)

And oouh, songs that have a vibe like thatt 😻 lemme picture dan heng dancing with me in my head before listing the songs xD but anyway, here's my take on this!

It's Not Living (If It's Not With You) — The 1975

seasons — wave to earth

About You — The 1975

Spring Snow — 10 CM

Make You Mine — PUBLIC

[demonsfate]

@hardasstaichou​

lol his mother’s name is pretty easy to remember once you realize it’s just jin but with a ‘u’ instead of an ‘i’! (her name is jun!) and it’s funny because jun is probs my fav tek girl. she’s beautiful, she’s kind, she’s similar to jin in ways. but i just... didn’t find myself loving her as much in the anime. i think because her design was too different (and boring) and i did... view her pacifism as too extreme as times. which would’ve been better had they explained maybe the reason she’s so strict is because she’s paranoid jin will end up like his father. but like... they never tell us or hinted at that. jun refuses to talk about jin’s father, but we never see if she ever actually loved kazuya at all to begin with or how they became a thing, or how she even really felt by his supposed death. the relationship of kazuya and jun just isn’t there. which, yes, it’s not really there in the games either. BUT. in the anime, we were promised we’d find out new things about jin’s backstory that we didn’t see in the games. and guess what? we didn’t. literally everything told in the anime, we already knew happened in the games - or at the very least, we can guess happened. the only “new” thing we got was that jin was bullied lol. which honestly, i didn’t care for the bully story. while yes, it could show jin had trouble controlling his temper... which btw, does a poor job at that - bc in the anime he even STATES they’ve been PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSING HIM FOR LITERAL WEEKS - anyone would’ve snapped at that. aaaand jin goes through so much anyway, why add him being bullied on top of everything? if i were writing it, 

i would’ve made it that xiao was getting bullied, for being chinese. (therefore, would’ve acknowledged the elitism/racism that’s in japan) and xiao, being the optimistic and kind girl she is, is able to ignore this even if it does hurt. but jin, however, as we’ve seen in many other games and noncanon adaptations, cannot stand seeing xiao being hurt or disrespected - and that’s what causes him to lose his temper and start pounding on the bullies. perhaps this is why jun scolds him, because if xiao can refrain herself from violence, then so can jin. but of course, jin makes it a point - why should xiao be subjected to such when she can fight back? they obviously deserve it. that’s when jun will snap at jin, perhaps saying something like “i don’t want to see you become your father!” and then everything goes silent. maybe they’ll go into a talk later on where they can come to an understanding. jun doesn’t tell jin that kaz was influenced by a literal demon, but just that his anger and hatred led to him becoming a horrible person that eventually led to his death.

lots of fans, sadly, thought the anime was an IMPROVEMENT for jin. which made me feel they didn’t really understand jin’s character in the first place. i know stoic anime character is a trope, too. but with the way jin was just gasping at everything and being very expressive - just made him feel more like Generic Anime Protagonist, made him feel more like a shell the viewer can easily insert himself into the main character. i think jin’s lack of expressions or antisocial behavior can be relatable - there are people who struggle with this. hell, even i myself struggle with interacting with ppl. not only that, but jin is a highly traumatized individual. who, after his mother’s death, was forced to live with his grandfather - who was very strict, and had pretty abusive training. given how heihachi killed jin in the end, he clearly couldn’t stand having any small talk with jin. so - it makes sense as to why jin would be antisocial in the first place. also, i just like to think of jin as a weird little guy - it makes him more interesting than a sociable protagonist imo - at least, for jin, because that’s what his character is supposed to be - a flawed hero. not just because he struggles with anger, but he struggles with making the right choice, and he struggles with emotion and socialization. also - him struggling with emotion makes sense later on because if he does feel too much, then that means his devil will take over, and cause a lot of issues for the world. therefore, perhaps, jin is conditioned to believe that “emotion = bad” because of the consequences it can have on his devil gene. so, jin being the stoic “-.-” is both badass, and actually makes a lot of sense lore wise, too.

[appledotcodotuk]

why the hive fckin suck at its job: a rant

spoilers for tgwdlm ahead!

first of all, it's important to consider what exactly the hive's job is. my answer is... who the fuck knows. literally. what is the hive's aim. what do you want Paul? more like, what do you want hive? let's find out!

it kinda evolves, as the play progresses. the intial aim of the hive, and one that does actually remain consistent is the constant burning need to grow and devour and gain more and more (insert capitalism metaphor here).

however, this is distorted by the people it possess who influence that aim, as we'll see later.

also the fact it crashes into a theatre displaying Mamma Mia gives the hive the motive it need to fit the world around it to the structure of the musical. having no originality of its own, the hive instead just picks up what is given to it. kinda like an evil baby.

it wants uniformity, that is indeed its ultimate goal and desire, no duh. it thinks it can achieve that through musical theatre, shame that the hive is dead wrong. cause the hive fucking sucks at its own job / aim / ultimate purpose / one concrete goal that motivates all its actions.

can't maintain control over its subjects

okay, so, the hive wants uniformity. it wants everyone to be dancing to the beat of its own tune. right? yeah. shame it literally can't keep its own possessed subjects in line at all. at the risk of sounding like the 10th doctor waxing lyrical abt humanity for the 50th time, humans are really difficult to control cause we're not really motivated by an altruistic allegiance to one primary good. we've got icky emotions that often move us to do stupid unpredictable stuff way more. it makes me wonder if the reason the hive wanted to use musical theatre to try and persuade ppl was cause it seems to think that is how theyll get emotive humans; through emotive songs. anyways. let's look at some examples shall weeeee?

Mr Davidson:

so, Mr Davidson. funnily enough, he's the guy whose in part acting as the hive trying to figure out what it wants through his interactions w/ Paul. every person it possess gives it just a bit more humanity and curiosity abt the world it is currently taking over. at least I think so. hence why as the musical develops u get character's like possessed!Alice wondering 'why does it hurt to love?' - the change in music and mood to something much more introspective really suggests to me that the hive is beginning to question the thoughts and emotions of its human hosts.

Mr Davidson is a family man through and through, he loves his wife Carol. she's his muse, his source of light. his feelings for her are not concrete or easy to explain and solve - hence why his sudden ahem demand of her is so hilarious and also jarring. it completely clashes with the 'I want song' which is simple, and often pushes forward a wider cause. not so with Mr Davidson, he just really loves his wife man. enough to break a frickin alien possession.

tbh I think its hilarious that (at least to me) the hive has to force him to forget and continue with the song, like, he straight up is just talking to his wife in that phone call, talking, not singing. so, no possession until he reverts back into song. ergo, the hive cannot maintain the uniformity it wants. even from the get go when theoretically its control should be stronger cause it has less ppl to co-ordinate. bad. at. its. job.

Paul:

this one hurts folks. yes, I know it's generally agreed, though somewhat debated that the state of Paul by the end of the tgwdlm is not purely possessed. I agree. once again, the hive is unable to truly enforce uniformity.

at this point, the motives of Paul and the hive are kinda just mixed, neither fully human nor fully alien. hence the constant shifts between pleeing for her to get away, to hide, to stay safe: 'what if the only choice is you have to sing to survive' and just full on old style hive nastiness 'let me puke in your mouth and just open your food bin girl' (so romantic 🥰 /j).

the hive has gone away from its original aim, and become something... different. no longer stuck to just one type of genre or style of song, it's really clever to show the developing complexity of the hive by showing how it is now juggling lots of different motifs with references to all the old songs from before recontextualised in a new way - its learning. evil baby... no longer uniform.

general miscommunication:

there are several instances of the hive not fully having uniform control over its subjects. for instance, right after not your seed with the three teens having to like... calibrate. they aren't just completely connected then?? also, this is a very small thing, but uhhhh at the end of inevitable when Paul is about to say the apotheosis is upon... the chorus interrupts him with USSSSSSS. interruptions??? not very in sync of u hive.

I think this inability to exert uniformity is also shown in the contrast between genre of musical theatre. my alien abomination cannot decide whether it wants to be the more modern edgy rock musical (join us (and die), not your seed ) or super happy go lucky old style musical theatre (lah dee dah dah day, and inevitable). it tries to do both, even while trying to encourage union, and sticking to one thing. hypocrite!!!!!

2. aims are guided by the people it possess

so, I mentioned this a bit already, but the hive isn't only mutating the humans, the humans are mutating the hive right back. this is more an interesting observation than any actual analysis but let's goooo.

greenpeace girl:

I think it's very likely that greenpeace girl is one of the first to be possessed. This is probably easily debunkable but whatever this analysis is flying by the seat or its pants anywayyyyy. why? cause where else would it pick up that whole 'this planet needs fixing' thing? it's interesting too, cause it morphs from expressing the desire to join hands and sing together, unity and peace with no actual action behind it. this then goes right to the other end, with the hive going 'fine I'll do it myself' and trying to save things by enforcing a dictatorship on the world. it develops and changes, and strays from its original means of accomplishing its aims! speaking oooooof...

3. inconsistent in means of accomplishing aims

okay, ur an evil hive mind. u think musicals are the way to win over these silly humans cause they're all weak and emotive and seem to respond to them. but, wait! schwoopsie! you haven't realised that for emotional depth and growth to mean anything, you need there to be established development and well... growth. otherwise the sentiments are as vague as the ones expressed in What Do You Want, Paul?

this show has genuine emotional moments, just not really during the musical numbers WITH EXCEPTIONS. any strife is smoothed over quickly, and so the development and change that would have to go into such growth is just gone. (see, You Tied Up My Heart) all so it can achieve its own desire to grow and grow and grow, maybe a metaphor for art being killed under late stage capitalism??

what actually matters is the impact the songs have afterwards, in causing a death - because we have a bond and care abt these characters. those short scenes between Paul and Emma are actually way more resonant than any song. except... inevitable, and also not your seed a bit. at this point the hive has learnt a thing or two, and can actually twist human emotion a little. but for it to do that, it has to reject the uniformity it prizes, and be adaptable. point towards being more human than it first thought? methinks so. and yet it's just not enough...

it's also why let it out, to me, feels really ingenuine. Paul has expressed himself in much better ways already. what they're doing is clearly paining him, and hurting the guy. he's terrified bless.

you can't force someone into being emotional vulnerable, man.

it's why all the deaths for the characters who are forced to express themselves are really violent, involving them being ripped open - literally forcing them to expose themselves from the 'inside out' as Alice reflects in Not Your Seed. you can't force genuine emotional connection, it has to be fostered, shown in the much more affecting relationship of Paul and Emma. the only reason the hive actually has power over our characters is because of these genuine emotional connections, which it tries and often fails to take advantage of, resulting in just resorting to brute violence. messy hive, very messy.

at the core, the musical's a kinda attack on that toxic positivity mindst: trying to force people to reach the sort of easy solutions by sharing feelings in a way that feels pretty invasive and deciding you are instantly fixed. the problems these characters face are jarringly not really what you'd expect a character in a musical to face, cheating, a lot of it, mid-life crisis. problems that are bland, or wayyyy too real. this is purposefully done, to reveal just how silly the hive's aim to use musical theatre to solve everyone's problem is. life is more complex than that smh.

4. a human can write a much more expressive, and genuine song than they ever could lol

u know which song I'm talking abt. what more is there to say. so much for making persuasive songs to tempt people over.

5. make me sad cause they took some perfectly nice ppl and funked them up 😭

this was a stupid point lol. basically I'm just bitter that this hive took a bunch of perfectly okay ppl and gave them hive brain. screw u hive. I swear I'm gonna watch Black Friday soon, cause I'm sure it's gonna completely destroy every thought I've had so far, but whateve,,, just take this as a look at tgwdlm like it's a stand-alone piece.

these guys are supposed to all be 'individuals' on one level, but also 'appendages of a much larger organism'. there's a little too much individualism and fracturing to be cohesive enough to do that I feel. the hive to me is not an infallible, unstoppable force, in fact, every human it takes over only brings it closer to understanding us. so that's maybe a slight positive note??? idk ?! I just have lots of thoughts and feelings abt this musical even if this doesn't make sense I'm proud i wrote it down hehe.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

The opposite of your last post for the ask meme! Like 1, 5, 9..

thank you lol sorry it took me a minute to get to posting these answers......i also skipped a couple that got asked previously via answering all primes lol

1: What inspires you?

hm well just basic stuff like “being in a good mood” lol or “being hyped up by friends” or “having reason to be particularly excited about something” which is all like, factors that Contribute Energy......learning about stuff / trying something and discovering like oh i’m Into this thing, or that for whatever reason something turns out to be more within reach / doable than i might’ve thought, like, hey i wanna get on this maybe.......~creatively~ it’s great to like, see other ppl’s art, and while i’ve sure been Inspired by professional artists, overall i’m more like, influenced and motivated by seeing the styles / specific works of Online Randos like me.......i also Draw to create [self-indulgent (usually fairly) niche fanart which is also probably gay and is all the time of characters i like] so like, the Stuff I Wanna Make Fanart Of (which has Whatever characters i specifically would like to draw lol) is sure directly Inspiring in that way. i’d say i never had that experience of like, ppl being kids and seeing some [distributed work in a certain art medium] like oh i want to make my own [distributed work in a certain art medium] as in like, i wanna publish a book, i wanna make movies, etc, but i guess i Did b/c i was like elementary school age in the early-to-mid 00s and experienced some instances of online fanart like :o :o wow damn ppl can do that?? just be a rando drawing fanart and sharing it w/ other people online???? and today i am living that dream, so good for me lol. and also i’d like to shoutout marge simpson anime, which is a particular piece of Online Art (technically fanart even lol) which was like, unusually Motivating as a single work of art lol, i made a notes app fanart like immediately and then a way more “painterly” piece of fanart that was v directly inspired by it lol.......and i was sure Drawing It Up last last winter when bmc 3.0 was impending / happening, b/c i got into like Just in the dec before, so that was Fresh, and then bam the Content is happening concurrently and as soon as we even just learned that jeremy has glasses i immediately spent like honestly 25 consecutive hours making fanart for that exact Inspiration. we didn’t even know abt the hello kitty shoes yet!!! and naturally im not out here for stats or clout but it is Inspiring when ppl enjoy the stuff i make and let me know one way or another. [tag comments that express enthusiasm in any way.....Appreciated]

9: Do you trust people easily, or do people have to earn your trust?

i have to say i am wary! that’s in part just like, a default anxiety defensive mode lol. but it takes me a hot minute (aka weeks....or months.....) to realize when someone like, would like to be friends or something, so while i can be Friendly and Outgoing w/ people like, immediately, i’m not picking up relationships left and right that are close enough that i’d particularly talk about “trust” or whatever. i’m not necessarily Distrustful either lol, it’s more just like, again re: the constant wariness thing. it is not unlike a cat lmao i vibe with them lol i Get that [approach]....and there’s been times i’ve been like “hmm i sure do Not vibe with this person ever and am not comfortable around them / interacting with them to any extent beyond occasional casual interactions that i don’t super enjoy. that’s me being overly anxious and failing to be personable i guess!!” and then that person Does give that reason down the line like oh, actually, that eternal uneasiness was warranted :/ damb

21: How does someone become friends with you?

yknow i was like “didn’t i Also answer this one previously” but it turned out the question i was thinking of, which i Had answered, was “how does someone become important to you” lmao.....same diff

tbh it’s kind of an arduous process lmao like. first of all i am Bad about initiating shit, and a lot of times will like, be wary of Directly Interacting with people for a while b/c i am also Bad At not being too passive / unwilling to assert anything so like, if someone’s regularly interacting with me but i’m not into it / Eventually Realize i’m not into it, it’s that thing again where my main strat is [v gradually sidle away] lol and just find it difficult to extricate myself from interactions / relationships and so that plays into me really feeling like i have to have some real confidence that i’d get on with / vibe with someone Before i start significantly interacting with / getting involved with them which....is also difficult natch lol like. can’t rly get a great feel for what someone’s like w/o talking to them.......but then if i Distance myself at all at any point will that be taken as rejection or whatever.......and then anyways say i Am talking to someone, then it’s like, also i’m just not fantastic at casual conversation always and that stage where you don’t know someone too well and talking is mostly a Polite Ritual and it’s like oh god don’t mess up, respond Normally lmaoo......i am nervous. and i also have a tendency to just naturally try to make an interaction go smoothly than immediately prioritize / feel comfortable busting out My Personality lmao.....so then even if ppl are responding well enough it’s like ah jeez i know we’re all performing always but have i shown them What I’m Actually Like to any significant degree, am i just masking it up / mirroring the crap out of how they talk?? and also it then takes me quite a while to put together “if someone keeps talking to you / choosing to interact with you for like, weeks, it probably means they want to / are interested in doing so” lol.........and then i’ll take ages more of trying to consciously Be More Myself without *also* feeling like this is too much of an act lol, and gradually picking up like oh they’re still not like, annoyed or disinterested or something..............what i am trying to say is it sure takes a minute lol

also when i Am attempting sometimes to like [initiate interaction] with people my version of being Active is still not all that active lmao i will be like [occasional Like] or [even more occasional reply] or [tag comments or no comments coz it’s twitter and im rt-ing stuff] and it’s like oh wow if we’re not having more regular interaction i suppose i’ve failed or something?? does this mean anything further lol, did i do anything.....but welp gotta have that perspective that Not Necessarily lol and i’m not the only person in the world who might not make friends or even friendly acquaintances easily / at the drop of a hat and u can’t necessarily read way into shit that hasn’t Actually been communicated to you.......naturally though it is easier to have some ~perspective~ and Serenity about all this sort of thing when you do already have some Friends lmao........been feeling (and consciously nudging myself towards feeling) More Chill about say like, friendly acquaintances i have who aren’t raring to interact with me on the reg.......ppl i’ll go months or half a year or more between having a convo with and then we’ll be like trading dm’s for a couple days and then it’s back to not really talking, and that Is What It Is, not necessarily a tragedy, and really it feels “rude” to acknowledge to myself like oh i’m not sure that me and whomever even Vibe well enough that *i’d* be raring to talk all the time either, but hey, it’s also true, i don’t have to be Validated by ppl who know me having me in their friend circles in any significant way......i be out here on the peripheral / outer orbits and i can appreciate that for what it is, even if, again, easier to be more Cool with that when i’m not Only in ppl’s periphery...........i appreciate the pal i have who like, 99% of how we Communicate is occasionally sending each other pics of our cats, not very intimate but also back when i was offline for months on end they eventually went out of their way to find someone to get in touch with to verify i hadn’t like died or anything lol........i appreciate the Gestures of Caring that ppl have and do extend, even if we do not actually talk regularly. 

and like also i’m bad at like. idk the main way i talk is again, At Some Length and often about real specific shit lol so im like woop aware that many ppl are not into that, or they might be down for having an exchange like that for a day and then they’re done.........not at all like wholly Against more lol Conversational conversations but i gotta say that’s more of a struggle lmao..........so let’s say befriending me takes some Patience. i kinda operate on [cat] rules. jellicle

25: How do you stop yourself from going back to toxic people?

i absolutely am Refraining from launching off on a ted talk of a tangent that is also me being the [the guy about to throw down a card on the pile on the table and that card pile is like “any conversation” and the guy is labeled “me” and the One Card about to be played is labeled “it’s capitalism” or smthing like that and also it’s all in spanish].jpg.......

anyways idk just try to keep things in perspective, right......i generally am pretty Passive about gradually sidling away from relationships that are bad and so by the time i Have exited them it’s pretty overdue lmao and i get to be quite confident that it was The Right Thing........and just when looking back on stuff it’s like, well if you remember the Good or “Not That Bad(tm)” parts maybe consciously think about the whole of it And specifically the Bad parts / the reasons for peacing out.......also the other day i was mulling over some standard [conflicted / complicated feelings about having cut certain ppl out entirely] and it also occurred to me that a lot of the [conflicted] feeling part came from sympathy for them, whereas from the perspective of Entirely My Own Feelings On The Matter minus that “how do/would they feel about it” consideration, the thought of never interacting w/ these ppl is like. fine with me lol........stuff like this is always Complicated and Individual and there’s certainly no like, one-stop simple Guide To Navigating All This Kind Of Thing, Cmon It’s Easy........another consideration i saw the other day via a graphic on twitter, which is probably most relevant re: say, controlling / abusive Partners, was how like, to think about how someone is acting if they’re saying you should Take Them Back b/c they’ve Changed their behavior, but to pay attention to if they’re trying to guilt you into it / justifying or downplaying their previous behavior / shifting blame and otherwise manifesting the inherently harmful and controlling patterns that are supposed to be gone now........anyways yeah complicated stuff and also just p.s. (and what would’ve been the jumping off point for the It’s-Capitalism tangential essay lol) ppl shouldn’t be blamed if they do choose to let someone back in their life like oh now they’re responsible for bringing their mistreatment upon themself.....no better than blaming someone for, say, having a harmful / controlling romantic partner in the first place like oh well they should’ve known better than to have gotten involved with this person..........ppl are in control of their own abusive behavior and shouldn’t be considered Forces Of Nature no matter how intransigent they are

33: Do you have someone you know you can always rely on?

tbt question 9 lol there’s defo some people that i do trust! love it....

45: Do you consider yourself creative?

another #tbt to question 1 lol.......i mean Yes i am creative in ways but like, who Isn’t, really.......think sometimes “creativity” means “do you like, do Art things” which, yes i do, but then within that there’s art that’s deemed more ~creative~ or w/e......not to mention that i don’t think something has to be definitively labeled an Art to be creative. like, for example, Science and Art aren’t opposites / the antithesis of each other, and anytime defines ~science~ as like, people just memorizing and outputting Facts and Numbers and considers this a distinction from Being An Artist.....wild and i Will fight you lmao. i tell you i can v much remember times i have had to completely disengage to keep from losing my cool at people arguing about “why i respect science but could only be an artist :’|” or “why Art is actually harder than Science and also we’re the underdogs b/c society values science so much more :’|” like.....mf...........anyways scientific pursuits may certainly have a different Methodology (see: scientific method) than art but lbr it still requires creativity and science and art are friends you fucking fools................and then also just zooming in on the Art-Making business here, i also like, have never had any interest in coming up with Original stories / characters and the like, and i don’t enjoy trying and it just really is not my thing, and it’s Funny or something when people wanna say that creative fanworks have value b/c they let ppl cut their teeth for what really matters, inevitably making their own original content(tm)......that isn’t inevitable for me lol and certainly is nothing i aim to do ever, and when there’s the suggestion that if you’re Good enough at ur medium you gotta manifest some of that original the character do not steal shit.........anyways i’m not pressed to claim i am an Artist(tm) or Creative(tm) lol like i guess technically i am both but i have no professional aspirations and my brain does not Do [generate original content] so it’s all like, i’m just out here.........s/o to this time i was trying to do my fuckin thing drawing on a tablet in a cafe and some random annoying guy is trying to talk and i happen to mention like “lol i don’t exactly call myself an artist really” and Guy goes “OH REALLY??? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ARTISTS? WHAT’S YOUR ISSUE WITH ART” like please cool it lmao but god p sure it was a guy who was just. very Around and very annoying in general

49: Do you feel like you’re a good person?

yeah i think i’m alright but really what is the use in like considering there 2 be achievable Good or Bad Person Statuses for everyone........let’s say it’s an ongoing, active state to be in the process of consciously choosing to be Good and working towards Better. especially considering that We Live In A Society which tries to teach everyone and continuously imbues our existence with Bad Messages about how to perceive and engage with other people, and being A Good Person is a lifelong effort and it’s unhelpful to feel that if you’re already Good or well-intentioned enough you can just dust off your hands and be like “well my work here is done” and be unprepared to examine your beliefs/actions or deal with the might-as-well-assume-it’s-an-inevitability that even if u have some noble-ass beliefs you’ll fail to live up to them at some point/s.......so like yeah lol again i feel like i am a pretty good person but can always be better and ought to be aware of / willing to work on that at any point

[andysnorwayaffairs]

9.8.19

TW: mention of sexual violence/abuse/assault + violence

TLDR; ppl who do awful, violent, harmful things should not be excused for their actions. they should be held accountable. HOWEVER, i (alongside the view of prison abolitionists) don’t believe that prison nor police are the answer.

Visiting the police station was a really odd experience for me. I felt extremely guarded and distraught, knowing what power the police have in the U.S. I am aware that the police presence in Norway is much different and much less violent, but I couldn’t shake off that odd feeling. From my experience in my studies this past year and uncovering what police and prison are (perpetrators of violence and oppression), I still see these things as embedded in systems of power, no matter where they are. Nothing is ever neutral. Even if police ARE more progressive in Norway, they still have the ability to abuse power, and the system easily allows police to do so. Even if prison is exponentially better in Norway, I still don’t believe it’s right to lock anyone away. Yes, even if they’ve enacted horrific violence and pain. As a believer in prison abolition, I always think there is another way to treat and value human life, and there ESPECIALLY should be better ways to cultivate healing (for EVERYONE involved) than incarceration. How does incarceration help anyone? An example being, the police attorney we talked to told us about how these folks who had murdered others some time ago are now out walking. Those who are affected by the violence are still probably hurting, and while you can claim “justice” has been served, now there are folks out and about who have literally killed, and have had years taken away from them (that doesn’t sound like a recipe for success...). And as long as there is a system that allows for the locking away and taking away of freedom and the devaluing of human life, black and brown people will always be targeted more than anyone else. How can that ever be justified?

***TW: sexual violence/ assault. Even arguing that we must lock away those who enact violence, the worst of the worst in society, ie murderers and ppl who enact sexual violence and such, allowing prison for anyone still perpetrates the systems of oppression that target those who are less privileged. Always. i.e. - justice is never really “served” anyways. Think about all the cishet white men who are released within a few months after sexual assault. Is that justice? I understand and hear how unfair it is for them to only serve so little after doing so much harm, but in those instances it is the patriarchy and white supremacy that is allowing these men to be free. Talking about prison abolition takes longer than one Tumblr post... check out this website founded by folx like Angela Davis and Ruth Wilson Gilmore that has plenty of information and FAQs! http://criticalresistance.org/resources/the-abolitionist-toolkit/

It was so interesting talking to my coffee date on Saturday evening because they expressed similar views on the police and prison that I had. As someone who lives in a comparatively much more peaceful place like Norway (as opposed to where I am from), I wondered what prompted them to see the underlying systems at play, since in the U.S. they are so unfortunately obvious? They told me that the police still target poc more, of course, and that the police are violent at protests. (They mentioned that they are involved in activism here.) That can definitely be a place to see these workings of power more clearly, since protestors are inherently against the state and against the status quo, and the police are protectors of the state and the status quo. The police protect Nazis, even here, my new friend told me. 

For my final project, I intend to compile all of my experiences and what I’ve learned from the queer people I have met here. I’m still uncertain about what kind of format my project will be in. I haven’t taken any pictures of the actual people I have interacted with, and that does feel too personal to do so. I am thinking about putting all of my thoughts down into some more journal entries and perhaps making a separate page with all of those queer experiences specifically. I do believe that I got a very specific view and experience of this place because of my queer positionality and being able to meet and bond with other queer folx because of our shared experiences. I tend to trust queer people more, and with that allow myself to be more open and vulnerable, and perhaps this lets me have such emotionally charged experiences with people. I had met so many wonderful people these past two weeks and feel like I have truly gained friends, even if the experiences were brief. Not to say that the only reason why I had these experiences was because of my queerness or because of other people’s queerness! It is the way I live and walk through the world, however, and I believe does influence how I interact with other people. The nonbinary friend I had met that sparked all of this lent me an “in” into their life, and for that I am so grateful. I had been extended so much kindness from them and their friends. (to prove my point, some of their friends are straight and very lovely people!) For my project, however, I am interested in how queer people move through space here, and how the neoliberal aura of this place affects their queer experience. I will include a detailed log of how this compares to my own experience and to the experiences of some people I know back home. Since I haven’t talked to many folx here, I don’t intend this to be comprehensive at all. I recognize that experiences are personal and do not reflect the entirety of any population, but the excellent thing about personal experiences is that they can give us a glimpse into how a few people’s lives are affected by the structures and norms that we’ve learned about at play in this particular place and time.  

[tate-lin]

Yes!! I feel so bad for him when ppl only want the genki!Minato back

Like,,, GUYS

This is still him!! The genki!Minato we all loved is still a part of the Minato we know today

I find it very sad that some of the fans were so empathetic for genki!Minato in the first few eps when ppl were piling pressure on him but can't do the same now just cause he expresses his pain negatively. Do I think he should have been so harsh and shut everyone else out? No, of course not. Do I think that he has a right to be bitter and furious over how his lot in life turned out to be? Most definitely. Cause he has a lot to be upset about

I definitely know that if I was him and I woke up a year later to find out that all my beautiful, golden opportunities had been crushed cause of a car accident that didn't even affect the other occupants in the car, only me, and I was now stuck in a place where I'm going to have trouble climbing out of due to the lack of support to do so, I'm gonna be resentful as all heck

Also, did everyone miraculously forget that this kid is mentally 14/15?? Like bro, even now at 20, as someone who gets angry easily, I have a lot of trouble keeping my emotions regulated and to not over-react to bad situations. A lot of the things I know now to not only help myself but also be fair and kind to others, was something I had to learn by myself as I grew older. Even with strong familial and platonic support! And I still have a lot more to learn

I just think it's supremely unfair to Minato to expect him to continue being some saint. Lately, I find that it's easier to be kinder and more forgiving when you're younger. I definitely miss my younger self in that regard. Life can be brutal and even when you don't want to change, your interactions and experiences with others will still change you anyway. I want to continue being as kind and trusting as my younger self was, but it's just so hard after everything that happened

For his case, it's even worse cause he's actively taught these things by his coach, someone he trusts and respects. Like, goddamn, he was deliberately raised this way. He was actually, firmly told to not be kind. And what other road could anybody have expected Minato to go down? From the moment Minato reunited with his coach after he regained his memories, I could immediately tell that he genuinely respects and admire him a lot

With those kind of feelings, who else was Minato going to trust to turn him into the athlete he wants to be except for him? It's just too bad that the coach has such a flawed ideology and abused that trust to mould him into the athlete he wanted him to be

I don't think Minato ever realised just how much he was influenced by the coach, not even after talking to Momo. Can't blame him though, it's difficult to have perspective on these things, and even more difficult to view someone you trust negatively

(As an aside, I just want to say that I don't hate the coach. I think it's too black and white to say that he's a terrible person just for this. Personally, I don't think he's a bad person, just a person with unhealthy ideologies and expectations for his players. I just really hate how this impact him to do all his students dirty, especially Minato and Momo)

(The only good thing the coach did for him was to instil that hardworking drive into him, because I don't think he could do it entirely on his own, and so quickly too. In one year, he completely transformed from a sucky player to one of the best in Japan. While I noticed that he already was a very hardworking person in the first episode (he literally studied three years worth of school content in less than four months??), he was still a lot more lacklustre in training without a coach guiding him)

Ahhhhh idk maybe I really am just projecting onto Minato, but I do genuinely feel bad for him. I'm glad that his family and teammates are so understanding of him though. It's not easy to find ppl willing to put up with you when you're going through a shit time and being difficult to deal with. Though they aren't perfect, they're trying. They're being patient. Minato might not have the perspective to see it for what it is right now, but in the future, when he reflects back on this time, I'm sure he'd feel grateful for everyone's kindness and support

Currently, my hopes for Minato would be for him to enjoy water polo in a more healthy way, open up to his friends and family and include them in his life, as well as reconcile with his past and present peacefully

That is all, sorry for how long this got lmao *sweatdrop*

I want every single one of those fans to apologize for calling Minato as an asshole.

Just like I thought, he’s slowly opening his heart for his teammates and his family. It takes time for him to heal and accept people again and this episode- This episode shows that once he lets people in, he will bring out the best out of his teammates. He lets them shine without pulling back.

If he is the stubborn jerk like the fans claimed, he would have still kept the strategy where everything is focused on him. But he didn’t. Instead he became the bait and let his members score. The kind Minato is still there in him. It’s a part of him.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I'm giving it 30 days. Well maybe a bit more, but give or take 30 days. By the end of September I will take control of my life and I will be better equipped than three months ago. I'm not right now. I know mentally I'm not ready to not be fucked up by this because I don't have all the tools right now and I have to make a weirdly selfish decision to maintain this moderately unhealthy routine while I work diligently to be a better person. I'm not even ready to talk about it with others. I'm not out there like hey guys doing some self improvement reading this doing that because tomorrow it could stop and I could wake up in a shit attitude and want to die. And I'm not secure enough to compromise my character anymore like I don't want to be him basically because they talk so much and do nothing to improve themselves. I want to be better than that. I want to present a whole picture because no-one can complete it but me through active self improvement so I currently don't need anyone's opinion on these decisions I'm securely making for myself as I develop my adult person.

I'm not 3ven focused on being a "good" person. I just want to be someone I can live with. To be something that doesn't give me anxiety. Security of what I know and what I'm capable of.

Today we fought and he brought it to the cycle and I'm not sure exactly how I want to react so I am reacting very little but really want to focus on knowing my securities of my knowledge and what I want not just from this relationship (I told him it wasn't one but he's the one now saying it is) but from the people I fucking interact with. He refused to read my letters because he's "sad" but would not elaborate. I assume it's like he wrote her similar letters or maybe it's guilt that he's somehow leading me on. I am pumped full of hormones so I couldn't help but be sad that he was too sad to read something I wrote out of love where I describe his great attributes and the things he's been for me. I let it past. I was annoyed by another friend and expressed my related annoyance at their brattiness and not having alot of gratitude. He decided this was wrong and they could complain how they wanted. And you know, I'm not sure if it's right or wrong but I don't want to be around someone who doesn't "get it" because it's like a basic ass philosophical morality that all fucking religions have in common - be grateful. Know what you have and when you can complain. I hate the crackheads but I'm more concerned with my internal than my external because as I work on my internal I have more control over my external even in a shitty environment that could easily be soooooooooooooooooooo much worse.

He belittled the point to I could do better by getting a job so the other person can complain because Im not doing all I could be doing. I, however, have zero space to complain. Ever. It is seemingly never appropriate.

I was more offended that he judged everything down to having a job. Like I'm never doing better unless I've gotten a job. My hardships are all caused by me and I'm not doing enough. Yet for six weeks I've been dedicated as he jacks off and complains about how his mom treats him while he jacks off for free in her home as a 28 year old man. When I offered the idea that he might be privileged he immediately degraded the convo again that now he wasn't allowed to complain despite weeks of me listening to his complaints and hearing utterly repulsive nonsense from him. I've gone above and beyond for this person. I have probably given him the most outside of my father and my father wins by length of time because wow. I can't even repeat his shit because why am I listening to it? I am playing with something very dangerous and like longer than September I've accepted it but if I stop it'll be morally okay.

I told him it was upsetting because we don't talk enough about my improvements to make a sweeping generalization that I wasn't doing better because I didn't have a job. He attempted to say we all could do better and that he was lazy and that's why he is the way he is and all of his problems come down to physical fitness. I was now hurt that I was realizing nothing was changing. He was doing the same routine he had been for two years. He repeated he wasn't going to give me what I wanted and that he's already tried to break up with me before. He had clearly complicated and taken my original complaint personal because he's ungrateful and displays it all the time and feels self conscious about the judgement. I was now side swiped - I hadn't done anything but complain about someone else. I told him he was not a safe space to make those complaints so I won't do it again. I am still valid, by his own fucking argument, to complain. Period. I'll just control the space in which I do it because other people choose to take things personally because it's probably fucking true. My father did this alot. He offended people for being super super truthful but also humorous which makes up an asshole. And I don't want to be the asshole my father was but I still accept the attitude because he wasn't wrong. He told the truth. Even about himself.

He decided to end the conversation on his own accord as he usually does because "I never wanted this I told you I'm unhealthy". Even though four hours ago he's asking for nudes.

I called back and told him this wasn't fair. He asked to call me back in a few minutes and an hour later I got a text saying he's stuck having this big long convo because of his opinion that he has to whisper and never express and he's stuck in this and can't leave because ill publically shame him and he doesn't want that so he's just going to bed.

I was like wtf thanks. First of all obviously it's over since youre inferring I've trapped you by psychological force and there's no fucking real feeling there.

Secondly, he has gbs of porn of me. He could easily shame me just to get himself off for fucking fun not even to be inherently evil and that's literally as likely as me doing something to him. Like in our nature? Yeah it is. Would we do it? Unlikely but given the right circumstances possibly. So like we don't need to see eye to eye on this (we wont) but don't degrade it to a fucking abuse shame war.

Also, the I did not say it, this is manipulation by saying this he's putting it on me so if it happens he can justify all the feelings about ppl being against him so even if I've won, he's still won. Nothing changes.

But I've chosen to be offended that he's assumed this of me to a point that he's using it as an excuse. That's pretty flimsy and bullshit - if you want to leave, just leave.

Finally I reminded him that had he read my fucking love letters, maybe he would've felt differently.

Ironically I woke up with the intention to look up properties in pei. I thought maybe I'll invest just a bit more into this since he seems receptive but maybe fate made this happen to remind me to start nothing. Literally sleeping is time better invested.

I believe right now he will complete his cycle and realize he's shitty and probably come back around with a convoluted lecture and I'll let him. If he chooses not to then it's okay because he made the decision for me and I'll be even more free to recover as I will. But I think he will because my points were valid. He told me that people don't care and I think he should listen to himself because frankly I don't care about every fucking thought that passes in his brain. I don't. Some of his thoughts conflict with my thoughts and instead of arguing I just allow him the fucking space. Get a journal. That's all I can say. You want space? Get a fucking journal. No one cares. And if anyone says they're interested it's because it's a fucking trainwreck like no one wants this around them in reality. It's just interesting to watch unfold.

And I'm the last fucking one watching. I'm the last one encouraging him. The last one supporting and dedicated to him. I am building my support system in a healthy way for the first time and he's the last person I'd go to for support unless I need money.

I understand he's sick and I'm giving him space to figure himself out and honestly if he figured out I'm not supposed to be around and told me this in a mature, non random manner I would just go. I'd have closure. There's never been closure during these times. It's always open ended and when it's over "I never broke up with you".

I laid heavily on wanting to be able to share what I learned but not be influenced by his negativity. He said he would try but he knew it wouldn't work. And this was acceptable for him. Which I found outstandingly hypocritical. If nothing else it finally challenged the lingering beliefs that the things he told me so many times was never something that counted for him.

When I got off the phone I immediately said out loud, "I hate him" and hours later I honestly still kind of do. He's such a shitty person in his current iteration. I know he's been better and can be better and I don't want to be another dumb ass chick like oh you know I just want to help him because I've been that chick and I'm no longer forcing my help. I don't want to help him but I will if he needs it or when I identify times it calls for it. I'm not going to explain to him any further why this is upsetting because he will hang himself by continuing it and I will be away from him.

I will not let this go though and I will save that single message because he implies I have information to shame him in public with. If he finishes his cycle, I will continue to mention that he doesn't love me he just fears me. He's tarnished the relationship himself.

At first I was upset that I had sent letters and made a gift and sent him videos but then I wasn't because I'm a great girlfriend and even though I was and am vulnerable, it still makes me a great girlfriend. Whether he knows that or not is his own choice because the next man I love will be grateful as fuck for the love I give him and I will not be second best to someone else.

I know.

Why am I still willing to do this if I know it could be better elsewhere? I love him, I want him to be mentally well and hopefully have a life with him. Im upset his depression hurt me today. I didn't deserve it. And if the depression chooses to destroy our relationship, then fine. I'm tired of being hurt by it. I have my own shit to deal with.

Just in this very moment because I've decided 30 days I have to let things play out without my influence. I need to put my very best foot forward and present myself in a way I can be proud of. No "instant gratification" messages. I was within my right to respond to his very negative message though I would've like to not have. Because I also had that right. That is something to work on. But I did and my response was collected and reflected his own obnoxious beliefs. I stand behind my letters. I literally wrote on paper I want to spend my life with you it's like damn near a proposal. I had the confidence and commitment to do that. I didn't do that with anyone else. It was like defaulted into my first relationship like well this is what we do I guess just this forever. I mean eventually I wanted to because you're with them so long it's apart of you but I didn't proclaim this love. I have the capacity to do so. It wasn't even wasted on him because it's a love letter to myself. Like hey, look what you can give. I would be too scared to share that because I didn't want to be judged or maybe left or something but I did it and I was just like yes, I feel good. And if we aren't together it wasn't lies because this is how I felt at the time. I wanted to but we didn't.

Unfortunately this took up my whole evening. But it's been awhile since this has happened and I know the hormones definitely affected me so I think I'm more emotionally obsessive over it for that but I'm not distraught at all. It's very very important to break the cycle for myself. I participated in it by focusing on it for too many hours but my focus was healthy I think like it wasn't a breakdown of why I think he feels this way but how I feel about it and what I can do about it and how I can learn from it. I want to break it though and tomorrow will be important because I will not contact him. It's unlikely he will contact me anyways but I don't want to initiate it. I said nothing bad and placed the responsibility of breaking up back on him. He will hopefully wake up to my texts and sit on them but we've been in constant contact daily so he will feel the loss.

One month. I can do this. By fall I will have the things I want or I will be free from the binds that hold me from it.

I have the thought of still looking for properties. I'm more scared of this than the letters. I don't want to know what I'm missing. I don't want another failed life plan. It could backfire if I show them to him - he could feel pressured. At the same time I want to show him I'm serious. I want to set an example and maybe get him excited because this is stupid. And I feel like its smarter to start a plan so I don't wait a month and decide yeah let's do it when this could be the thing. I want to walk away saying like I wanted to do this and this I gave him this but he was too lazy to work towards it.

Of course you know what about this fight? That im trapping him? Im hurt but if I was serious about this is it more important than our potential future? It's not. His tantrum is not because I believe better things can come.